Spiral out

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Body positivity is hard when you’re the only one being positive, but you can’t stop.

I often find myself thinking about my body, partly because I work out a lot, as well as what it is that causes myself either to be attractive or unattractive to someone. I confess that I have been uncomfortable with my body for as long as I can remember. I was an overweight child and adult, and children are terrible to those who are different, as are many adults. Even family members made disparaging comments that I have never forgotten. I always assumed one reason I did not have relationships for so long is because of my body type. This is only partially true, because many times I was uninterested in those that found me interesting. I don’t have a type, but I know what I like and dislike. Those that I like, often did not like me back.
Time passes and I find myself married to a woman who finds me attractive both mentally, and for some reason, physically. I have never before or since met someone that actually desired me in the way she did. I have said many hateful things about this person since our separation, but one thing I did feel around her was desired. This person wanted me to touch them, and they enjoyed it.
Before we were seriously seeing each other I began running to lose weight. Eventually this escalated into Weight Watchers and regular gym attendance. I lost a lot of weight, and was beyond ecstatic about my achievements. One thing was a disappointment though, it was as if the rest of my body had betrayed me.
After being so big for so long, your skin starts to lose elasticity. Instead of a six pack, I have a solid core surrounded by loose skin. I have high, wide hips for a man, that forever make the desired V shape impossible. My pectoral area has always been more feminine than masculine, and gaining muscle behind the fatty tissue deposits has not really caused them to diminish in size.
My face has some natural occurrences that offset any sort natural beauty. My teeth separate, which has always caused me to hesitate to give that classic toothy grin. In addition, my right eye closes while my left eye increases in size, causing even less symmetry during a smile. If I hesitate to take a picture with you, this is why. Facial scarring from chicken pox and a chipped tooth from a misplaced drink of beer add the only artificial damage to the facial area.
Hair protrudes in many places that are not wanted. Moles decorate my face and body like an interesting connect the dots game. Dark brown and jet black dermal bumps that are merely annoying when looking at my reflection. Some are thankfully covered by my tattoos, the most beautiful things I have on me.
As much as it sounds like there is loathing in these words for my body, I no longer hate it. I am more comfortable with myself right now than I have been in the last year. Still, I wonder what others might find undesirable.
Being let go of by someone who does not appreciate you is good, I know that. Yet, it still causes some self reflection that often leads to self loathing. Nothing has made me feel worse than feeling undesired. Dating is the realm of desire, and I am lost in this land that confuses the living hell out of me. Either a person wants you or they do not, yet I seem to be stuck in the middle.
I am often told by different people how great it was to meet me, how they would like to connect again, but it becomes a herculean trial to try to get a hold of this person once more. I try talking to others I have not met, which is beyond difficult for me, but they seem rather indifferent to the effort. I can’t help but think if some of those blemishes did not exist, it would not be so difficult to achieve another romantic meeting. I am not saying I am an amazing conversationalist by any means, yet others make up for this handicap by having natural beauty that I lack, which bolsters a confidence that I may be missing.
I find beauty in my dark skin, but not all do. Fairer skin is one that has baffled me many times recently. Many women of all backgrounds claim to only want to date “white men,” I cannot help but think how limiting this is to their hopes of finding someone, and being a well rounded person in general. Alas, it their choice and there is nothing I can do to sway that opinion.
I like my arms, my legs, my posterior is finally rounded from muscle. It is a nice body, worse and better than others. All I can do is keep loving it and feeding it, but this does not guarantee anyone else will love it and find it desirable, which is where I come back to my problem. I miss being touched, and having someone that wanted me to touch them. For all her follies, she at least wanted me for a time.
I am not trying to complain, merely exorcise these thoughts so I can process them. I am not searching for pity, understanding is the goal. I’ll keep trying, though it does get more and more difficult. Maybe it is more my personality, I’m not sure. Or an inability to initiate intimate contact. I’m apprehensive about those acts because I do not seek to cross boundaries that are not yet known to be permeable or agreed upon. Tell me I can hug you or kiss you and I will do so for as long we both want. My problem is I often do not want to let go once latched on, but you may tell me to leave and I will let go, at least physically.

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On what it was like shooting the purple wedding: ”All of us girls are sitting there, because it’s so hot in Dubrovnik in Croatia in the summer. So we’re all sitting with our skirts up around our necks, you know, playing scrabble. It’s very glamorous” — Natalie Dormer on Late Night with Seth Meyers (x)

Her whole hairstyle here…

It is giving me so many tingly feels okay, Natalie Dormer I am in love with you O.O